I can't believe how much I have changed in the past 4 months. Getting to know myself in this whole new role as a mother isn't something that anyone ever discussed. Maybe I'm alone in this but people always say "a baby changes your life." Duh. But no one tells you that you become a totally different person. It has been a big part of the whole postpartum recovery/discovery process that NO ONE tells you about. (More on that in another post)I have now been back to work (part time) since the first week of December after having 8 glorious weeks home with my little one. Before having a child I always said "I could never be a stay at home mom. I would go crazy. I NEED to work." Um... this new me... gets to eat her words again.

I could very easily stay at home with Parker, and love every minute of it. I threw such a fit and was a nervous wreck before going back to work. I wanted to pack up and runaway to avoid the inevitable. I couldn't imagine missing anything in his life, and just the thought of it broke my heart. Despite my tantrums and avoidance I packed us both up that morning and headed to daycare. When I had to walk out that door, leaving him for the first time, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Mommy guilt started screaming immediately "Your abandoning your child! Your a terrible mother! He is going to hate you for leaving him! He wont understand why your not there to comfort him!" I even told my boss that had he been crying instead of sleeping I probably would have never made it to work that day.

The thing is... I love my job. I enjoy what I do and who I work with. And once I'm at The Office, I'm fine. But then the mommy guilt sets in again. It will all of a sudden hit me like a ton of bricks "Oh my God I haven't thought about Parker in like 3 hours! I'm such a bad mom! How could I stop thinking about my child for one minute? They are going to take away my parenting license!" But the truth is, if I wasn't able to push my wondering and worries out of my head, I wouldn't be able to do my job. I would eff up all day long. And lets be honest, that is not very conducive for keeping a job. So I live with the mommy guilt of not letting Parker be the center of my world all of the time because that isn't good either. Not for me, The Hubby or our wallets because of the expensive therapy that we would have to put Parker into for many, many years to reverse the damage I would have caused.

I wish I could say that it has gotten easier. Even just a little. Nope. It still sucks, every time. And the evil bee-a-tch that goes by the name of Mommy Guilt screams in my head the whole drive there.

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Yes I know he is almost 4 months old. I'm a little late posting these but oh well.

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Why must Parker have an "assplosion" every time I put one of my favorite outfits on him? Is he trying to tell me something?

Parker: "Momma, your style choices really suck. I don't want to wear anymore monkeys. I don't care for the color brown and I don't like stripes. Please can you take a hint?"

:sigh:

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Okay. I'm a Vikings fan through and through. Not one of those that are there only when they are doing well. I'm there still rooting for them when all hope is gone. When we have no chance of going to the playoffs or when we are so far behind in a game that the hand of God could come down and we would still lose. I have always been behind MY team. I even got to attend the last game of the regular season. It was my first live pro-football game and the Hubby and I had a wonderful time where we totally crushed the Giants 44-7.


This season has been amazing and we (Minnesotans) totally and full heartily believed that we were going to Miami. This was our year to bring home the win. With an amazing defence and an offence with our God Brett Farve. We were going to go to the Superbowl. This was our year. The stars had finally aligned and we were going to go for the first time in 33 YEARS, and we were going to win.


So Sunday started with unbelievable excitement and anticipation. I was so excited I was driving the Hubby nuts all day singing our fight song and dancing around the house with Parker. I'm the football fan in the house. He really could care less. I'm desperately trying to brain wash my child so I have someone to share my excitement.

The game was... unbelievable. To say the least. I'm surprised I didn't pass out from holding my breath so much. It was back and forth scoring keeping us tied for most of the game. Had they not effed up so badly with fumbles and a horrible interception they would have won. Without a doubt. I even managed to scare the hell out of my child by screaming at the TV while nursing. (I did feel really bad but it was funny. And the Vikings needed to be yelled at, because they can hear me though my TV ya know.) Unless you have been living under a rock you know that we lost. In overtime. A total disappointment doesn't even come close to describing the feeling of it.

But, as I said I'm a Vikings fan through and through. With a heavy heart and a few tears we say goodbye to our shot at the Superbowl and say what we have said at the end of every season for the past 33 years... "There is always next year" And for the last time of the season, our fight song:

Skol Vikings, let's win this game,

Skol Vikings, honor your name,

Go get that first down,

Then get a touchdown

.Rock 'em . . . Sock 'em

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Go Vikings, run up the score,

You'll hear us yell for more. . .

V-I-K-I-N-G-S

Skol, Vikings, let's go!

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Yes, that is Sophie holding down his arm so she can clean his fingers. Ick.

and cleaning his ears...

Notice the fist full of hair he has... lol, she doesn't care.

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I've been such a bad blogger. I haven't posted in weeks. ::scolding myself:: My excuse? (and yes it is an excuse, which I hate because it really comes down to the fact that I've been lazy) Mr. Parker has been sick. FOR A MONTH. A month of dripping snot, pouring drool, continuous coughing, and don't forget my favorite... sneezing. Right. into. my. face. And before you call social services and have my mothering license taken away for not bringing my poor child to see some kind of medical professional... We have been there. Three times. Yes, count them three.

The first time we where there it was the Monday before Christmas. He had been sick, coughing and sneezing since the previous Friday. As a first time mom, when my little 2 1/2 month old sounds like he can't breath... I freak out. So I stayed home from work and off to the Dr. we go. Since we couldn't get in to see Dr. C Parker's regular pedi do to the lack of openings and my lack of ability to be patience and wait until Tuesday, we saw Dr. W. The one who cut off Parker's penis. (Now that I think about it, kinda cruel... No?) So Dr. W says that is lungs are clear and that it is just a cold...

Isn't it always just a cold? Now granted that is SOOO much better than being told that there is something wrong with my lil' boy, but I can't do ANYTHING to fix him. Ugh. So completely and totally frustrating.

So a couple of weeks go by and the cold is just lingering. No matter what I do. And trust me, we tried absolutely everything.

-elevating the mattress (he just ends up in a ball at the bottom)
-sleeping in the bouncy seat (he would wake up and scream every time we tried to put him in there for the night)
-humidifier
-baby vics (didn't really seem to do much but I love the smell of the baby vics compared to the adult crap)
-warm baths
-running the shower on hot and sitting there breathing in the warm steam
-plenty of use of my favorite tool for a baby... the Booger Sucker.
-saline spray (oh, and by the way. spraying crap up your child's nose apparently makes you the devil. Just an FYI)

So after three weeks of this crap, Parker gets worse. And because of my extensive medical background (um, none. unless you can count my many many hours devoted to Grey's Anatomy.) I'm absolutely positive that it is in his lungs now. This time we get to see the wonderful Dr. C, (who did not cut of Parker's penis so is much more liked by him I'm sure) The diagnosis... back to back colds... his lungs sound great. ::Grrr:: off to continue with all the home remedies that are not doing an effing thing.

Anther weeks goes by. And if it is at all possible, he sounds worse. When he is coughing, he is either coughing so hard he can't catch his breath, or he is puking/spitting up. Neither of these are good. So with risking be called neurotic new mommy, we pack up and go see Dr. W again. At this point I think she is just humoring me.

Dr.: Has he really been sick for a FULL month?

Lacey: YES! A full month. Why do you think we are back for a THIRD time?

Dr.: Well, we will give him a round of antibiotics. If this is bacterial, he will get better in a few
days. If it is viral... he is just going to have to keep fighting it.

Lacey: Duh.

Just to make it clear, we (the Hubby and I) really didn't want to put Parker on meds. I do understand that he is building an immune system and this is how it works. He must get sick so he can fight the crap later. But when the kid is only 3 1/2 moths old and he has been sick for a 1/3 of his life... I feel like a horrible mother because I can't fix him... I have a sneaking suspicion that I will feel like that a lot of the time as Parker grows. Joy.

Just for the record. We are day three of meds and his cough is significantly better. ::smiles to self::

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